15 Oct 2014

What a feeling.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

This is a story of mine.
Of a little bit confusion and guilt.
So, tonight, there was an ustaz coming over,
and he was giving a talk on ikhtilat, well he supposed to do a talk based on that particular topic.
but, he went on talking about other fields of knowledge such as aqidah, ibadah and even sirah.
Only Allah knows how hard i tried not to go bored and all because i cannot focus,
and tried not to even question why the topic seems to be diverged into something I cannot comprehend.

I know that everything that the ustaz said is not necessarily be the one that I expect,
I know that everything that he said was from Allah s.w.t and I was meant to listen to that,
I know how much the blessing that was showered on this very night when all the angel are there praying hard on us.

But, sadly, I go all over and just cannot control myself.
Sedih, sebab bila ustaz tengah cakap, i was like, apa yang ustaz cakap ni,
Sedih, sebab rasa macam diri kurang ajar sangat pertikaikan content ceramah even I did it without voice.
Lagi sedih bila syafwan cakap yang ustaz tu memang tinggi ilmu dia, means he is someone really close to Allah.

I was mad at myself and still is.
I could see how I can easily get distracted and influenced by the bad side of my own self.
And I don't know why I write this.
May be to remind myself so that things like this won't happen in the future.
so that I can have a better control of myself,
may be...

Do forgive me ya Rabb.

it's okay to be a freak upon one's eyes...just don't be one upon ALLAH's

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